MARRIED BUT LONELY

If there's one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single
person, it's a miserable, lonely married person. The irony is
that no husband or wife marries with the intention of being
isolated from a mate. Most people believe that marriage is
the cure for loneliness, but I want to warn you: You began
battling the dreaded foe of isolation as soon as you drove off
on your honeymoon. Isolation has reached epidemic
proportions in the most intimate of human relationships. In
addition to more than a million legal divorces each year ,
isolation saps the strength from millions of marriages that still
appear intact.

A psychology professor writing in Psychology Today observed:
I know of no more potent killer than isolation ... no
more destructive influence on physical and mental
health than the isolation of you from me and us from
them. Isolation has been shown to be the central
agent in the development of depression, paranoia,
schizophrenia, rape, suicide, and mass murder … The
devil's strategy for our times is to trivialize human
existence and to isolate us from one another while
creating the delusion that the reasons are time
pressures, work demands, or economic anxieties."
I believe that isolation is Satan's chief strategy for destroying
marriage. Barbara and I feel its dividing tug in our relationship
when we have disagreements and misunderstandings. Our
busyness repeatedly invites its presence into our marriage.
Like a terminal virus, isolation invades your marriage silently,
slowly, and painlessly at first. By the time you become aware
of its insidious effects, it can be too late. Your marriage can
be disabled by boredom and apathy, and even die from
emotional malnutrition and neglect.
What Is isolation?
The dictionary will tell you that isolation is "the condition of
being alone separated, solitary, set apart," but I like what our
daughter Ashley said once when she slipped into my study to
ask me what I was writing about.
"Isolation," I explained. "Do you know what that means?"
"Oh," our ten-year-old replied, "that's when somebody excludes
you."
Ashley's answer is a profound observation on human
relationships. When isolation infects a marriage, a husband
and a wife exclude each other. When you're excluded, you
have a feeling of distance, a lack of closeness, and little real
intimacy. You can share a bed, eat at the same dinner table,
watch the same TV, share the same checking account, and
parent the same children—and still be alone. You may have
sex, but you don't have love. You may talk, but you don't
communicate. You live together, but you don't share life.
Because of the alarming number of couples in good
marriages who are unaware of this problem, I must state
forcefully a sobering truth: Every marriage will naturally move
toward a state of isolation. Unless you lovingly, energetically
nurture and maintain intimacy in your marriage, you will drift
apart from your mate.
The soul was not created to live solo. We yearn for intimacy,
and marriage is where we hope we'll find it. The tragedy is
that few couples achieve it.
Telltale signs of isolation
Barbara and I have seen this death of hope occur in the
marriage of some friends. In many ways their story is typical
of many others.
This couple enjoyed dating and were married in their early
twenties. After a brief honeymoon, they packed up their
belongings and moved to a new city. On the two-day drive to
their new home, they began to notice their differences. She
felt alone and apprehensive about their new life together; he
felt puzzled that their conversation had dried up so quickly.
Isolation had already begun.
She took a demanding job, and he was promoted in his.
Busyness and fatigue set in as they moved into the stream of
everyday life. Instead of having companionship, they felt
alone. She felt undiscovered, unknown. He felt uncared for.
Initially, the birth of their first child seemed to bring them
back together. Later, when she returned to her job, she
adjusted her hours to maximize her time with the baby. Life
became focused on the child. Their marriage wore down
under the draining influence of isolation.
She would bring up a problem. He would quickly deny it or
say, "When this phase in our lives passes, things will get
better."
Because their frequent spats became increasingly painful, each
retreated and learned to feel safe that way. Both realized that
life was smoother when they wore their masks, and they
played the marriage game as if there wasn't anything wrong.
Although they seldom missed church, and no one who knew
them would have guessed it, isolation had firmly entrenched
itself in their marriage. Had this couple not attended a
FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® conference, their marriage
might have continued its spiral farther into isolation and,
ultimately, divorce. But at the conference they recognized they
had a problem. They realized they needed to take steps
toward oneness as a couple by biblically resolving conflict,
listening to each other, and making God the Builder of their
home.
As it happened with this young couple, isolation starts when
husband and wife slowly drift apart in ways they may not
recognize at first. Signs include the following:
Feeling that your spouse isn't hearing you and doesn't
understand.
Having attitudes of, "Who cares?" "Why try?" "Tomorrow
we'll talk about it—let's just get some sleep."
Feeling unable to please or meet the expectations of your
spouse.
Sensing that he's detached from you.
Feeling that she's going her own way.
Refusing to cope with reality: "That's your problem, not
mine."
Feeling that keeping the peace by avoiding the conflict is
better than experiencing the pain of dealing with reality.
Couples will present a happy facade, keeping house and
playing at marriage while real needs go unmet. While unmet
needs indicate isolation's presence in a marriage, the irony is
that slipping into a state of isolation seems to offer
protection and self-preservation. Silence feels like a security
blanket but is perilously deceptive.
Many marriages continue for years in a state of armed truce.
Competition replaces cooperation, and ugly reality dashes the
dreams of hope as conflict unravels the fabric of love and
concern. Broken hearts stain pillows with bitter tears.
The choice is yours
Every day, each partner makes choices that result in oneness
or in isolation. May I recommend three important choices you
need to make?
Choice #1 : Resolve to pursue oneness with each other, and
repent of any isolation that already exists in your marriage.
Remember, you don't have to be married a long time to be
isolated.
Choice #2 : Resolve never to go to bed angry with each other.
Find a way to resolve your differences and move toward
oneness. Realize that often it's easier to hold a grudge than
to forgive. Resentment and oneness cannot coexist.
Choice #3 : Resolve to take time to share intimately with each
other. Allow your spouse into your life. Ask questions of your
spouse, and listen patiently. Learn the art of healthy,
transparent communication.
What if you're already in deep trouble? Swallow your pride.
Get help. Call a mentoring couple, your pastor, or a
counselor. Don't allow isolation to take up residence in your
home by ignoring it.
Make the right choices, and you'll know love, warmth,
acceptance, and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine
oneness as husband and wife. Make the wrong choices, and
you'll know the quiet desperation of living together but never
really touching each other deeply.
We were not meant to be alone in the most intimate human
relationship God created. Choose today to move toward
warmth in each other and away from the chill of isolation.