1. The act of 'sleeping without closing your eyes: Many
guys do these, especially in churches where the ushers are
very stubborn and keep tapping you every time you shut
your eyes. This act can only be done by Pros. It requires
you making your eyes being wide open, but your body in
deep sleep. The only problem here is that pray you don't
get called upon by the pastor to answer a question, a
friend of mine whose name is emmanuel was practicing the
act one vigil night when our pastor (who was about starting
another round of prayer) shouted 'God of Emmanuel!', my
friend Jolted back to reality on hearing 'emmanuel', stood
up and said (in a very loud tone) 'sir, I am listening'. I
couldn't help the laughter that day and the look on his face
was worse than that of a clown.
2.The Church 'Madmathecian: If you get extremely bored in
church, you tend to; firstly, look around you to check if any
familiar face is around you, then, ultimately, you turn into a
'madmathecian' by counting things in the church nobody
asked you to count. You start counting the number of fans,
how many chairs are in church, the number of choir
members, etc. When it gets extremely worse is when you
start calculating how much the church receive in terms of
Member's tithe. Or how much different members might
drop as tithe. By this time, you are no longer in the church,
neither would you ever understand what the pastor is saying
even if he keeps repeating himself.
3. The 'Lookozade: This act is the most common by church
goers, it requires you to look as if you are paying apt
attention to what the preacher is saying, while your mind
can wander of... Very often than not, your mind can wander
of to something quite sinful (sex, alcohol, etc) only for you
to remind yourself of being in the house of God, trying to
be attentive to what the preacher is saying once again, and
go back to the beginning by 'lookozading' some more! You shouldn't have gone to church.
4. African time: This occurs when a church extends her
closing time in a service, I like to call it 'overtime'. For
instance, a church is billed to close by 1 pm, just some few
minutes after the 'supposedly' closing time you hear
announcement of something like 'we will now go into our
thanksgiving sunday program', some people fit faint sef. It
happened once to a friend of mine whom I dragged to
church and assured him we would close by 12, after 12 like
this he was staring at me with a killer's eyes, by 1 the
pastor announced that the kids were to present something
to the church (as per children's day), this my guy eyes
done red finish, he was headed outside when I rushed to
him to plead he stayed for the grace.
5. Deceitful humming: This is done during praise worship.
Every body else seems to know the song very well except
you!, you no fit carry last na! Hum away my friend,just pray
they change the song to the ones you know soonest!
6. Being 'alone' in the church: This happened to me once,
when we were told to stand up and pray, me I dey hammer
the prayer sotay, I did not hear when the pastor told
everyone to sit down, after a while, as I no hear pastor
again, I just open one eye discover say the whole world
done siddon and na only me dey pray! This salary matter
sha! You might end up being alone in the church if you
don't open your eyes and look around you. Professional
church goers always shine their eyes even when you are
told not to
7. Lusting after a beautiful member: If there is a beautiful
church member that is your taste right beside you, then
satan done catch you for that day! You end up being self
conscious all through, your thoughts leave the church and
goes into your bedroom with the girl/guy, you first start to
steal glances, from there your mind advances to strike a
conversation or meeting, repent brothers.
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